Why do we worship Chuck Norris anyway? What has he ever done besides getting whopped by Bruce Lee in a bad sequel to Enter the Dragon?
When, exactly, did he become downright holy? I wish I could give you all the answers because he really grinds my gears!
Here are my top 4 reasons why Chuck Norris is dead to me:
Disclaimer: I am an Air Force veteran who spent the entirety of his 13 years in uniform as a Security Forces member. The following is written — and intended to be taken — in jest. I love Chuck Norris and I've actually been to his first Tae Kwan Do school. Also, we share a common duty unit (Osan, ROK).
Pictured: The last ass-whipping Chuck Norris ever took. (Image from Golden Harvest's Return of the Dragon).
4. The Chuck Norris meme phenomenon
Where did this come from? Did he start them himself? Who decided he was so cool? He's literally the master of life, according to the internet and I need answers!
I just don't understand it, and we all hate things we don't understand, right?
Don't forget to look away — Chuck Norris once beat the sun in a staring contest.
3. Total Gym? Yeah... it bites!
Have you ever actually tried to use a Total Gym?
Did you pinch parts of yourself in the nest of cables and pulleys all while getting exactly no workout from the supposed 'gym,' too? If so, then you know what I'm talking about.
It supposedly offers 80 different exercises, but you'd have to be a pretty clever f*cker to figure out more than three.
Pictured: Chuck Norris doing all 80 of the proposed exercises available on the Total Gym. (Image from Total Gym Direct)
2. He thinks he's a Marine
I guess, he is a Marine — technically. He was made an honorary Marine back in 2007. That's fine and dandy, but there's one problem with that... he was already a veteran of the U.S. Air Force!
If you happen to be one of those few people who knew Chuck Norris was a veteran going into this article, it is likely that you thought he was a Marine. Just based on the sheer number of photo ops, he seems to love having wearing Marine Corps uniforms!
Chuck Norris sharing a laugh with his fellow Marine. (USMC photo by Sgt. Sheila Brooks).
1. Chuck Norris is omnipotent
If you believe everything you read on the Internet, then Chuck Norris is all-powerful and unstoppable — where's the fun in that?
In fact, Chuck Norris is actually controlling my hands to write this piece because... well, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never takes no for an answer. (Image from Cannon Films' Invasion U.S.A.).