We, the military community, generally operate between the lines. We have our sh*t together and it's all standardized — it's not only part of our culture, but in combat, this can save a life.
We are still people, however, and sometimes that means we may need to get a little creative in certain situations…like trying to get past the MPs at the gate.
Now, why you don't have ID, is neither here nor there — these are five of the best ways to get through the gate in a pinch.
Related: 6 signs that you might be a veteran
Disclaimer: This post is purely for entertainment purposes. We Are The Mighty fully supports the law and would never recommend breaking rules...
5. Forgot your ID? Bring the MPs food.
It is extremely easy to leave your CAC in a card reader at work or the pair of pants from yesterday.
This isn't a horribly difficult fix; just bring the cop some food. By food, I mean an actual meal of some sort. There is a really good chance that cop hasn't had a good meal, and if they have, that meal is either hours to the rear or to the front of them. It doesn't have to be extravagant — a pizza will do the trick.
Sidenote: Bringing donuts could actually turn your day into a sh*tshow, so be careful.
Actual authorized alternate form of ID.
Alternative: Show an alternate form of ID. That, together with a polite demeanor and some personal recognition should also work.
4. Trying to bring a visitor on base, after hours? Try the trunk.
Many bases have a curfew and/or prohibit overnight civilian overnight guests. This makes bringing home any friends you make during a night out on the town literally against regulation.
Another simple fix: have your friend rest in the trunk as you enter the base. For compounding points, bring the cop a Monster or Red Bull.
Alternative(s): Stop being cheap and get a room. Date someone with their own place. Promote yourself out of base housing.
3. Had a few drinks? Roll down the windows and pop Altoids.
Coming on base just a little bit drunk is a reality for a lot of service members (this actually is really dangerous and stupid so don't do it JUST DON'T DO IT).
Great. You did it. Your next problem is that the MPs are just itching for anything to happen.
Chug water, roll down the windows a few miles out from the gate, and fill up on Altoids.
Also, make sure you turn off your headlights a reasonable distance from the gate, drive as straight as possible, and drive an appropriate speed.
Billy zigged when he should've zagged
Alternative: Don't drink and drive, d*ck!
2. Hanging out with someone's drunk spouse?
No matter the circumstance, the optics on this will never favor you, and if you are made by the MPs you very well may have started the end of your time in uniform. Cops know all the gossip on post simply by nature of being first responders in a micro-community.
The activity can be completely innocent but it will never look innocent. Before you can get into work on the next duty day, the word around town could easily be that you came through the gate engaged in all-out sex in the backseat and only stopped to give your ID to the MP.
The very best thing to do in this situation is be in a mixed group as much as possible.
How it looks driving someone's drunk wife home.
Alternative: Don't hang out with drunk married people.
1. Are you a chaplain driving around with empty beer cans and four scantily clad women?
Give the gate guard a fist bump and say the outreach program is working great.
Chaplain: "Nothing to see here, bud."