As a member of Security Forces, the Air Force's version of military police, I've heard and witnessed many an interesting tale while patrolling our nation's bases. Very few of those, however, even begin to approach some of the outlandish "excuses" we've heard during traffic stops.
These reasons range from funny and practical to downright dubious.
Related: 6 signs that you might be a veteran
Here are the five top excuses we constantly hear during traffic stops:
5. "I'm running late!"
This is a simple enough reason, one that everyone who has ever had any type of life has experienced. Often, being this blatantly honest with an MP would result in a warning and not a citation.
The causes vary from sleeping through an alarm clock to juggling entirely too much at one time to just not giving a f*ck. Regardless, "Sir, I'm just running late," is one of the most used excuses for speeding, bad/reckless driving, and general traffic violations.
Honesty is the best policy. (Image courtesy of Warner Bros)
4. "Do you know who my husband is?"
Yes! Yes, this has literally been uttered to us and countless other Law Enforcement Officers. Inevitably, you'll pull over some vehicle operated by some higher-up's wife and they, in turn, attempt to flex the rank they think that they inherited when they tied the knot.
This can be really uncomfortable because, in some cases, that traffic stop can be much more trouble than it's worth. This statement is also sometimes thrown at the LEO when you pull over a kid who thinks they deserve the salute their parent(s) earned.
You do know who I am, right? (Image courtesy of Paramount)
3. "I wasn't speeding!"
Unbeknownst to us, the military issues some of us an internal calibration system that physically prohibits you from speeding upon swearing in. As an additional perk, this system also notifies you of your exact speed at all times, apparently.
We couldn't count how many times we've heard this. Often times the offender would ask to see the speed-measuring device and ask about its calibration. If you're wondering, this whole spiel only heightened the likelihood of leaving the encounter with a citation.
Radar > Internal Calibration
2. "I outrank you."
When we were young troops, it wasn't uncommon to stop individuals who outranked us. For the most part, they were fair and didn't cause much trouble. There were also plenty of times when we pulled over someone and as soon as they saw the lack of rank, they would try to intimidate us.
In some cases, I'd have to call a "bigger, badder" LEO to assist because the offender just wasn't respecting my position. You'd think that in a military culture, one would be used to the difference between rank and authority…you would be utterly wrong.
#TBT — MPs trying to issue a citation in the early days. (Image courtesy of South Park Digital Studios)
1. "I wasn't drinking."
This really could be an entire subject by itself, as this is the first thing many offenders say. Then something like this happens (in fact, this actually happened): the vehicle is encountered, normally doing something out of the ordinary like sitting at a stop sign waiting for it to turn green.
The LEO approaches the vehicle, being greeting by the distinct smell of dark liquor mixed with three Altoids and four squirts of cologne. The LEO makes an introduction and asks for pertinent vehicle documents. The offender gives their debit card and Restricted Area Badge.
The LEO tries to gauge the level of intoxication using a pre-exit screening. The offender tries their best not to look, act, and/or be drunk. The LEO asks the offender to exit the vehicle and runs the Standardized Field Sobriety Tests. The offender sweats profusely as they, literally, stumble through them.
They weren't drinking though, remember?