Okay everybody, calm down. Noadamus is here. I know you are scared you are gonna f^ck up and ruin your life. Well…. you probably are, but that's no reason to get down! Mistakes are a part of life. Seems like you would have gotten used to that by now, but hey, everyone learns at their own pace. The good news is this week will provide everyone with plenty of opportunities to practice self-destructive patterns of behavior or creative innovation and radical self-discovery. The bad news is, we will all probably do both at the same time. On the other hand, there is no good or bad, there only is.

Life is a rollercoaster, a really fun rollercoaster that will eventually kill you. Hang on, have fun, and try not to f^ck up more than necessary.

Sincerely, Noadamus.

P.S. Don't be a No Go at this station.


Pisces

If you find yourself in a high-stress position where success depends on your ability to perform a specific set of actions, you will come out on top this week—if you are focused on your intent and workman-like in application of said required actions that is… If not, hang on cause it's about to get bumpy. Forget about the consequences and only see the process. In doing so, you will swim through this storm like a dolphin. Yeah, I said dolphin. You know they can kick a shark's ass, right? No? You best write that down, then Major.

Aries

You may find yourself the only calm in the middle of spinning madness. Resist the urge to join in the fray, yeah you might have some fun, but you are on a mission, and this is a distraction. If the chaos forces you to join in, try to be calm and grounded, keep churning those wheels until the issue is in your rearview. Your finances, while slightly unstable, are improving. Keep adding to that retirement account, Gunny.

Taurus

You need space and time to yourself to maintain your inner reserve of calm. This week will not provide you with much of it. If you don't meditate, you should probably start, today. You will have the energy to handle everything you encounter this week, if you can keep your cool. Which is likely to be challenging, but doable. Stay calm, be precise, and be generous. You got this, boo. Oh yeah, whatever sort of person you enjoy is likely to find you this week, probably a few actually. Even if you are not looking for it.

Gemini

This week will attempt to pin you down and restrict your movement. If you try to resist these forces pulling at you, this week will rip you apart. Instead surrender to the pull; you are going that way regardless. So go with the flow, literally. If you have to roll with a new squad during a patrol, do it and do it with precision. Use the momentum of every new event to propel you forward to the next. Just don't go believing your own illusions, especially when it comes to relationships. But hey, you are gonna do what ever dumb stuff you were gonna do anyway, so don't blame me. I tried to warn you.

Cancer

It's likely you will deal with numerous authority figures this week. If the stress begins to weigh you down, remember you were made to interact with authority. You have an innate understanding of what powerful people really need. So do what is asked of you, while guiding them to what they actually need. Oh yeah, and look good doing it. I mean, damn, you're pretty/handsome/clever/emotionally mature, and I believe in you. The disruption in your home and family life need not be disastrous. It merely reveals the existence of a worn out pattern; adapt to this new reality, and it will vanish.

Leo

Money or assets which do not belong to you, but are your responsibility, are likely to be a problem. No, no, not problem—leadership challenge, yeah, that's it. My advice, find said problem, fix said problem, do so quickly and quietly, and don't become your boss's problem. I mean, leadership challenge. Oh yeah, if you are fraternizing at work, not only will it end terribly, but everyone at work will know all the details. And I do mean all the details… Besides, can't you just date outside of work, Tech Sergeant?

Virgo

If you are attending advanced studies or training, prepare to be occupied. Not just in a bad way, just in every single way you can think of and then a few more ways on top of that. In the relationship sector, just accept people for who they are, they aren't going to change for you anyway. A problem with your home is likely to cost you more money than it should, but again, just accept it, this week nothing will change for you just because you get mad about it. That actually never works, but this week it hurts even more than usual.

Libra

It hard to be a Libra, trust me, I know. Everyone gets so used to how flawlessly you move through life. You make one tiny little misstep, and they start pointing their fingers at you. So what? Let 'em, they're just jealous they can't glide through their mistakes with the kind of grace you can muster. So instead of pretending everything is perfect, allow yourself to be human. You are, after all. Besides, the chaos about to erupt in your home and family life will make your mistake vanish in the wake of required action. Stay safe, balance options, stay decisive.

Scorpio

You're a little spider spinning your web of illusions and desires. It's hot, but don't get caught in your web. This week your relationships are a combination of authoritative diplomacy and exuberance, resulting in success. All except your romantic relationships—that's a war zone. An incredibly fun and creative battlefield to be sure, but if you don't see things clearly, you will not be prepared to deal with reality. Don't live in a dream, Private, wake up. The real world is pretty awesome.

Sagittarius

Sometimes you amaze even me, the great Noadamus. And as your legal counsel (not a legally binding agreement, btw) I must advise you to stay at work as much as possible this week. Hey, I'm not gonna tell you to go home and deal with your home and family problems, or your money and credit issues, or your shady ass internet "business," because I know you aren't going to. But if you are going to avoid dealing with said problems, it's probably best if you remain out of sight as much as possible. You just work your little heart out this week and stay in your car or something. As long as it doesn't break down from lack of maintenance or anything. All that aside, your luck just won't quit, so you will probably win the lottery or something as equally lucky (again, this is not legally binding, unless you win; then my take is 7%). You're welcome.

Capricorn

You may be beginning to feel some fatigue from your relentless pace. Your output is still high, and your creative engine is hammering, but you need to practice some self-care. The illusion you can overcome any abuse you subject yourself to, is just that, an illusion. You can't finish your project if you break yourself. You have the energy and the mission, so grind away; just take a break and go outside once in a while, Colonel, you're gonna get the rickets.

Aquarius

I want to say you are going to get away with whatever dumb ass secret caper you are about to set in motion and you might. But you probably won't. Unless, it's not a secret. That's right, you do your wacky scientist stuff, or your conspiracy propagation, or internet multi-level marketing, or whatever, just do it where everyone can see it. Try complete honesty. I know it's a radical idea, but you can pull it off. When someone asks, just as direct as possible. Unless it's illegal, in that case, you're f^cked. Pull out, it's never too late… until it's too late.